Sometimes, I am NOT Fine...

Have you ever had one of those "aha" moments? A moment of such clarity that it changes your entire perspective of things?

I had one of those moments this morning- and it scared me.

I wasn't deep in mediation or prayer- I wasn't contemplating my life or trying to figure out my next steps.. I was driving home from the grocery store with a dozen doughnuts in the passenger seat- minding my own business when the Universe handed me my wake up call.

What do you do when the Universe whispers something in your ear that you don't want to hear?  You try to tune it out- or at least that's what Jolie does-I turned up the radio-put my mind on auto-pilot and went about my morning.

BUT

Here's the thing about those "aha" moments- they aren't easily ignored!  At some point- the voice demands to be heard- and this is what it said:

Sometimes, I am NOT fine...

What? That's the big "aha" moment? That's the big lesson I needed to learn?

YES- It is exactly what I needed to learn...

You see- I do not like to admit when things are falling apart.  It is hard for me to ask for help even when I know I so desperately need it.  I don't want people to see me when I am "down the rabbit hole"- I don't want people to know that I am NOT fine.

We do not talk about these things-

We are scared to tell people when we are in trouble-
We suffer in silence- beating ourselves up with all the "could'ves, should'ves and would'ves "

Why is it so hard to ask for help?

We don't want appear needy or like we are seeking attention.
We don't believe we deserve it.
We know that there are others who have it worse than us- our problems seem insignificant in comparison.
We can't see the light through the darkness.


This is what the Universe whispered-

Today is the day you admit that Sometimes, you are NOT fine.
Today is the day you let others know that NOT being fine isn't something to be ashamed of.
Today is the day you allow yourself to ask for help when you need it.


I am in a good place right now- it took me a couple of months to get here-but I have finally arrived.
Getting here wasn't easy- there were times I was worried I wouldn't make it.
I am so thankful for the people who stood by me while I figured it out!
   

Over the past few weeks- Someone or Something bigger than I has been working in my life.. gently nudging me to understand that I am not alone in this world even when I feel like I am.

It all started with a text-

A lifeline extended by a friend who I hadn't spoken with in months.  A few kind words literally turned my life around.  I wasn't alone.  I didn't have to figure it out all by myself- there was someone in my corner.  Someone who loved me even though I hadn't been a very good friend- Someone who could forgive my mistakes even when I couldn't.

When I shared the above story with my neighbor- She looked me in the eye and said "I am right next door".  She gets it.. She gets that everyone is dealing with something.  She knows she doesn't have to fix it or analyze it- only be there.

Last night- I was messaging with a friend who I haven't spoken with in years although we are friends on Facebook.  He said "Facebook makes everyone's life look so fabulous.  Truth is I am probably like you. frustrated, sad sometimes, and even the occasional feeling that it may never happen."  I was touched by his honesty- and surprised by his candor... He knows it's ok to not be ok.

And finally...

This morning- someone I love posted on Facebook " Check on your friends!  A lot of people are going through tough times for different reasons."  Once again, I made mistakes with our friendship- I was absent- I had caused her pain.  If she had reached out to check on me... I would have said "I'm fine".. I wouldn't have told her how I was hurting because I didn't believe I deserved her friendship.


It has taken me almost 50 trips around the sun to learn this lesson. 

I am not alone- YOU are not alone.
We are all in this together- Everyone is going through something.
Do not be afraid of being judged. (although I must admit putting this out there is scary!)  The people who love you do not want you to suffer alone.

To the people who love me... THANK YOU!
Thank you for patience and understanding.
Thank your for your grace and forgiveness.
Thank you for your support while I learned to love myself, again.
I know how blessed I am to have you in my life.


If you are reading this and you EVER need someone to just listen- I am here.  I may not be able to change what has happened or right your wrongs but I will sit with you while you figure it out.